Feedback 101: Making Tricky Conversations Less Tricky

Most managers don’t avoid feedback because they don’t care.

They avoid it because they do care.

They don’t want to upset someone, damage a relationship, knock confidence, or say the wrong thing. Add time pressure, emotion and power dynamics into the mix, and it’s no surprise that “having the difficult conversation” often gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list.

However, one thing I’ve learned repeatedly throughout my career is this: avoiding feedback never makes things better.

Unclear expectations, unresolved tension and unaddressed performance issues have a habit of growing quietly. Left unchecked, they become far more complex, uncomfortable and risky to deal with later.

Why does giving feedback feel so difficult?

Even experienced leaders and managers can struggle with feedback conversations. In our work with organisations across the voluntary sector, the same themes come up time and time again.

• We conflate kindness with avoidance. Many people worry that being direct means being harsh. Feedback gets softened, wrapped in vague language or not given at all, often in the name of being “nice”.

• We are uncomfortable with emotion. Feedback can trigger defensiveness, disappointment, anxiety or anger. If we don’t feel confident holding those emotions, avoidance can feel safer.

• We lack structure or tools. Without a clear framework, feedback can feel messy or confrontational. People worry they will ramble, get side tracked or say something they cannot take back.

• We leave it too late. When feedback is delayed, it carries more weight. What could have been a simple course correction turns into a backlog of examples and frustration. “Why have you never raised this with me before?” becomes the response managers fear most.

• We carry our own past experiences. Many managers are shaped by the feedback they received themselves. If it was unclear, overly critical or delivered without care, it can leave a lasting imprint.

None of this makes someone a bad manager. It makes them human. The good news is that feedback is a skill. It can be learned, practised and strengthened over time.

Common barriers to doing feedback well

Before focusing on technique, it is worth being honest about the wider blockers that can sit around feedback.

• Lack of psychological safety. If people do not feel safe to speak honestly and there is a culture of blame, feedback will always feel risky or performative.

• Power and hierarchy. Feedback can feel particularly difficult where there is an imbalance of power. Tools such as 360 feedback can help create safer routes for honest input.

• Cultural norms. Some organisational cultures prioritise harmony over honesty. Being “supportive” is important, but high performance only follows when people feel able to challenge each other constructively.

• Workload and pace. When everything feels urgent and reflective space is squeezed out, feedback can slip into the “nice to have” category rather than being treated as essential.

If feedback feels consistently hard in your organisation, it is worth asking what is happening around feedback, not just within individual conversations.

How to deliver feedback more effectively

When preparing for a challenging conversation, there are four tools and approaches I return to regularly. They each serve a different purpose and work well together.

1. The COIN model

This is often my starting point.

• Context: When and where did this happen?

• Observation: What did you see or hear, described factually.

• Impact: What effect did it have on others, the work or the organisation.

• Next steps: What needs to happen differently going forward.

COIN keeps feedback grounded in observable behaviour rather than assumptions about intent. That alone can make feedback far easier to hear.

2. The Accountability model (above and below the line)

This model focuses on mindset rather than wording.

• Above the line looks like ownership, reflection and action.

• Below the line shows up as blame, excuses or avoidance.

When feedback conversations stall, it is often because someone has slipped below the line. Naming this gently can shift the focus from fault to responsibility and learning.

3. A coaching approach

Not all feedback needs to be directive. Coaching assumes people are capable and more likely to change when they reach insight themselves.

This means:

• Asking open, purposeful questions

• Listening properly

• Resisting the urge to jump in with solutions

Questions such as:

• How do you think this went?

• What do you think is getting in the way?

• What would you do differently next time?

• What support would help?

This approach works particularly well when issues are complex or linked to confidence and capability rather than motivation.

4. Radical Candour

Kim Scott’s concept challenges a false choice many managers feel they are making.

You do not have to choose between being kind or being clear.

The most effective feedback sits at the intersection of genuine care and direct challenge. Avoiding feedback to be “nice” rarely ends well. Clarity, delivered with care, is one of the most respectful things a manager can offer.

Practical ways to help feedback land well

Alongside these models, a few practical techniques consistently make feedback more effective.

• Contract upfront. Where possible, agree that feedback will involve challenge. Naming intent builds trust.

• Be clear about why you are raising it. You cannot control reactions, but you can anchor yourself in your purpose.

• Say what you mean. Clear examples are more respectful than vague hints. And please retire the “feedback sandwich”. Balance matters, but clarity matters more.

• Do not wait for perfect conditions. Feedback works best when it is timely and proportionate. Waiting for the ideal moment often means waiting too long.

Why this matters

Feedback will probably always feel a little uncomfortable. That is usually a sign that the conversation matters.

With the right mindset, structure and tools, feedback does not need to feel confrontational or overwhelming. Done well, it builds trust, clarity and capability, and helps people do their best work.

The aim is not to make feedback painless. It is to make it purposeful, human and effective.

If you are supporting managers to build confidence with feedback, or want to strengthen feedback culture across your organisation, that is a conversation we would be very happy to have with you.

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